Oyster eyes


Date number 5 on ‘what’s your price.com ’

Expected fee – £150

 Bentley seafood restaurant; Piccadilly circus, London

It was pouring with rain. But I blagged a lost property umbrella from my gym that morning.

I didn’t know what to wear. I settled on a ….. wait for it…. I know your on the edge of your seats…

A long navy blue cashmere coat, black shift dress with knee-high boots and black tights.

He was at the bar alone. The waitress walked me too him.

It was pleasant.

Ironically his eyes where very small and oyster like.

The oysters were the best I’ve ever tasted. And I ate raw snails for the first time.

They taste like snails. Not chicken

Very snailish

He was looking for ‘ a long-term mutual arrangement’ his wife has been very ill with MS for 12 years. She was bed ridden. I felt upset for him. I had judged him as another grey haired rich promiscuous perv.

Does having a wife with MS make you immune. I don’t know.

Nothing interesting happened apart from he gave me an extra £50. He slipped it in my cashmere coat as we walked down Piccadilly in the rain under my lost property umbrella.

I thanked him.  I kissed him on the side of the mouth and went straight to the bank to deposit the money. I then went to Selfridges to spend a £50 voucher that had been burning a hole in my wallet for 3 months.

I had taken back something that a man had bought me. And got the credit, what did I ever need with elbow length black leather gloves!?

That one I had met through ‘sugar daddie.com’

We had met 3 months previous for lunch and he had treated me to a few items. One being an all saints leather jacket ( Smiley fucking face)

He had wanted a long-term ‘arrangement’ I had freaked out afterwards cos I thought he was too old and too fat for that kind of thing to work.

It’s not that I hate fat people. I have been one. And have slept with a few. I think jack black’s is one of the sexist guys alive. Followed maybe by nick helm.

I don’t know what is was.

Maybe I hated myself for using him for free clothes and dinner.

Or maybe I just wasn’t attracted to him. and wasn’t desperate/ broke enough to pretend.

So clearly I texted him on my post oyster snail champagne £200 high whilst I was in Selfridges spending my £50 voucher on a black blazer and ghetto gold earrings.

Sharon stone in casino KEEPS coming out.

He was there within 30 minutes.

This is too easy.

We had dinner. And laughed about the fact I never called him after our first date/ shopping trip.

Lets call this guy ‘Joe Pesci’

He drove me home and we talked about what I wanted in life.

He told me he could give me what I wanted, everything financial to make me very very comfortable for a few years till I meet ‘the one’ and wanted settle down.

This is a very tempting offer.

Would you do it?

I feels like selling my soul to the devil. It shouldn’t. He is not the devil. He is a nice man.

But what would my mum say?!

I got home. Changed out of my high-class hooker outfit into my 80’s MC hammer pants, dirty converse , ‘hole’ sleeve less t shirt and but on my all saints leather jacket.

I got the bus to Camden and met my flatmate and her friend to see a band in a dingy pub for 5 pounds.

After we walked to a sing along Amy Whinehouse night at the ‘purple turtle’ and spoke about strap ons.

They both were like  ‘ yeah I’d do that ’

Is this what everyone’s doing now?! ..…. Fucking there skinny jeans wearing floppy  haired boyfriend’s in the arse’s with strap ons??!!

I’m so outta the loop.

Or hole.

I don’t wanna be in the hole. Thanks

I’m already in a fucking hole.

We sang ‘ total eclipse of the heart’ at the giant screen accompanied by the very married live band and the rest of the sweaty room. I danced with a 23-year-old Pete Doherty wannabe with bad breath.

The next day I went to the gym.

MOOD CHANGE and Que music ; Nicki Minaj ‘I am your leader’

listen to it now if you can.

Now I haven’t told you about this one.

This one is personal trainer that I’ve seen 3 times over the last few weeks. I met  him at the start on the dating diary whist on pof.com.  (a normal dating site) He is fairly normal. Well I thought. Yeah….. wait for it.

I met his friends on Edgeware Rd on one of our dates, they were all laughing and smoking sheek. then we all went to the playboy mansion casino in a convoy of sport’s  cars with personalised number plates. On a Sunday afternoon.

Normal, right.

He has the body of Nelly. And the teeth to match.

I think that’s HOT.


He picks me up in his bmw convertible with his gangster wrap pumping.

We trained together. at my gym. He then stretched me out after. At my gym.


We then had a sauna together.  He kept eyeing up my arse.


We went to get some extra keys cut (cos im going away to L.A tomorrow)

Not so HOT

He handed me £20 and i bought summery food and wine to make us lunch back at my house/ just a room.


We kissed in my small kitchen over a protein shake.


As I was cooking the turkey breasts it went south


I had him in my hand.

I have NEVER felt one that big before. I said ‘ fuuuuucking hell’

He said

‘ Don’t look down’


It resulted in something from ‘u porn.com’ that’s all I’m gonna say. But without the orgasm noises.

But I didn’t . you know.

Well….. you know.


I got rid of him by 6pm cos I had to pack. Plus I wanted my own space back.

I met a guy 2 months ago whilst in LA. I was there visiting, on my back from spending 2 months in Montana working on a horse ranch trying to ‘find myself’

Yes. I’m still looking.

Waste of time.

( But I can now know now to cut a baby bulls bollocks off. And have shagged a real cowboy. So that’s 2 things off my bucket list )

We spent a few evenings together amongst friends.

Then one night together.

I remember waking up on top of him wearing his sweat pants and nothing else.

He had his hands in my hair and I was nuzzled in his neck we were sleeping as if we were one person.

My flight left in 3 hours. He wanted me to stay and ‘hang out’ some more. I clearly panicked and threw my clothes on in a drunken stoned haze.

He followed me to the lift in his boxer shorts. For a man of 53 this guy looked amazing. He could pass for 40.

i said ‘ I’ll be back’

I’m not sure if I really meant it.

2 months later. and he’s booked a flight for me to come and ‘hang out’ for 8 days.

I’m on the plane now. Right now!

I’m nervous.

I can’t remember what he is like to kiss.

He booked the flight 3 weeks ago,

I wish I had made him come to London to ‘hang out’

I’m nervous

And I’m on my period

It’s all wrong.

I arrive in LAX in 7 hours.

What the fuck am I doing??!!!

To be continued……

( if u like this post/blog please repost or tweet it ect. i can’t. as its anonymous! )

4 thoughts on “Oyster eyes

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