THE SLUT SPA….. The Finale

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I needed to get rid of him.


He told me to lye on the bed next to him. I did hesitantly. He cuddled me and told me I needed someone to take care of me. I agreed. It might have been nice if I wasn’t so uncomfortable.

He asked me for a kiss.

I kissed him

I did not enjoy it.

I wish I had

How easy life would be with him

He asked me what it would take for me to consider it being an ‘arrangement’

Now I really did feel like pretty women.

I wanted him to leave.

He left 10 mins later.

I kissed him goodbye again on the lips. Its felt strange. Like kissing someone’s dad.

I couldn’t sleep

I ordered more champagne. More strawberries. And ate all the peanuts, crisps and sweet suggerd almonds on top of the mini bar.

The fraggle messaged me on Facebook. We talked for about 2 hours. He couldn’t sleep either. Wen I cant sleep I watch stand up comedy. Particularly Dylan Moran. I like his manner. He makes me feel like I’m somehow safe. Somehow everything is better with Dylan Moran playing next to me  on my laptop. Wen the fraggle cant sleep he watches documentaries on the tsunami. And I thought I was fucked up.

It was 4am. I still couldn’t sleep. I had 2 beers. And half a glass of red wine.

I felt restless. And sad. And angy. And scared. And lonely.

I decieded I needed to cry.

And I did.

It felt good

I thought about my ex fiencee and how he left me for Italy.

I felt sorry for myself. And cryed some more.

Then I slept

I woke up the next day and felt a little thinner. Im not sure why. Maybe I cried out all the champagne.

I texted joe peece saying I was going to use the spa again and get some treatments. I was going to push this as far as I could. Plus I wanted to get some products as presents for ‘diamond’ my friend who had been minding my dog.

He didn’t object.

The treatments were all booked up. So I spend £300 in products from the shop and put it on the room. They also sold jewelry in the hotel shop. I bought my friend ‘diamond’ a fake diamond ring for £89.

And then I went for a swim.

I checked out around 4.30pm. After a chicken salad lunch in the garden alone . pretending to read The Guardian.


My friend called me and I pretended to be at my uncles house in west London. Not at spa in Henley on thames flirting with high class prostitution.

I checked out and ordered a cab all the way to Fulham to pick up my dog, meet diamond, and possibly slip another ‘ whats your price’ in.

The whole bill came to £967 including the taxi fare. My heart was racing. I wished i could just give them back all the champagne and treatments and have the cash. I could start to pay off my overdraft.I told her to put it all on my ‘partners’ card. And left.

I got to Fulham at 5.30pm and met a man called keith from ‘whats your’

He had very yellow teeth. No hair. And was verging on 5’5. I spend an hour with him and left. He put the ‘agreed date fee’ in an art magazine on the table. I didn’t check to see if it was there. I just wanted to get away and meet diamond.

It was all there.

I gave diamond £100 for looking after my dog. She is more skint than me. And it made me feel better about myself. I’m not sure she liked the ring. But it looked pretty on her finger. I wished id bought myself one too. But then it dawned on e that it was almost identicle to my old engagement ring.

I felt sick.

Sick that he had left me. And sick that it still hurt.

At least my nails looked good. And my skin was glowing. And I had a friend like diamond that I could tell everything too.

And at least I don’t have cellulite at the moment. Do u think I can put that on my CV?

I need a proper fucking job. I hate acting. And dates with fat ugly older men.

i need a therapist.

And to feel a warm muscly body up against mine that’s not over 50!

The end of the week came round. Id avoided seeing the fraggle for 3 days since id been back

I was trying to see how long I could go despite him messageing me EVERY bloody day!

On the Wednesday he had told me he was off to B and Q with his ex to help her buy a fence. I told him he would end up in bed with her. He said he felt bad and was just going to help her out  and couldn’t say no as she was ‘ being really nice’  I told him he was co dependeant and to be careful. And that he would end up fucking her

He messaged me later on.

I asked him if he was naked in her bed. He said no. but he had been.

I felt jelous.

I didn’t like that.

He said you can hardly get jelous with the amount of sex you have been having.

I wanted to know what she looked like.  Mainly just if she was thinner than me.  Standard.

Isn’t that what all women want to know first?!

or is it just me???


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13 orgasams in lost angeles …. ( part 2 )

los angeles LAX

I’ve suppressed so much anger this week I’m very surprised I haven’t eaten my own body weight in pastries. That’s what I would usually do.

I ate half a jar of his almond peanut butter for breakfast this morning .ricecakes and dry cereal. But im letting that go.  ( and breath)

 Plus …I had 13 orgasms in 7 nights


Most down to my clit vibrater. but still…. Its hard to find someone who u can feel that comfortable with to get that out in front of


I loved them

I climaxed so hard I screamed. And put up with the manhore shuving his fingers in my mouth hard whilst he screamed in a cheesy LA accent

‘ oh yeah baby yeeeeeeah !‘

I mean …. That is a turn off in itself . but when your about to climax you don’t give a fuck right?! I didn’t. i just needed it.

And I got it.

Thank god for my little vibrating friend. She doesn’t waste time. She gets to the point. And doesn’t feel the need to bullshit about anything,

She’s good

Why would she need to say how good she is!?

She’s secure within herself.

She’s very good at her job.

And I like her a lot.

I just hope she is happy

Why is it a she? ….

I think im BI sexual!


As I left his apartment there was a note on his dinning room table . with a cheque for $300

it read

buy your self something nice ’

I wanted to fold it into a small paper aeroplane and leave a note back saying

Dear sir/madam,

we regret to inform you that on this occasion your application has been unsuccessful. This is due to the fact you are dead behind the fucking eyes

 yours truly

miss E.D Opportunity 

instead i took the cheque.

I don’t like myself for that.

I’m getting off the plane and meeting *joe peece,. ( see blog oyster eyes) He has offered to pick me up and drive me to lunch with a spar day attached. No expectations

Im in

Im so in

Ive had a headache for the past 7 days. Its now moved down to my jaw. Thats what LA LA land has done to me. Make me ache. Ache for something real


I plan to see the fraggle in 2 nights time. He is comparing in east London at a comedy night.

Half of me wants to not go. Stay in bed and eat fat chips alone . and try and sort out my life by looking for a real job and a cheaper place to live.

But the better half , the Sharon stone half wants to turn up late in a ridiculously short skirt and stand at the side and flutter my false ( will buy some) eye lashes at his all night till he gets so hot and bothered he comes over and gets all flustered and asked me how LA was.



I HAVE GOT to do that.

; )


Im going to be fat ,old and wrinkly  one day soon. Then what will I do for fun?!!!


lights fade:


and we hear ‘ dirty Diana ‘ by Michal Jackson


onwards to the spar…… the slutty spar!

slut girl









13 Orgasams in Lost angeles …. ( part 1)

I’m sat on a plane from LAX to Heathrow

its over.

War Is Over

Whatever happened back then , with the manhore. Its over. Im so happy to be away . and feel ok with eating carbs again. Saying that , ive just eaten the ‘chicken and rice dish’ that they provide on the flight and I’m already getting evil looks form the ghost manhore, that is now in my head.

The really annoying thing is I do have feelings for him. Feelings other than mild hatred.

I nearly cryed the night before I left. Granted I was drunk. I have been every night I’ve been here. I’m using the fact that I’ve felt like a fat c**t all week and have needed to drown it outas an excuse/reason. That and the anger over comments like;

‘ bubble butt’

‘I do have coasters… you’ve made a huge ring on my coffe table with that glass’

‘you have your shoes on, on my carpet’

‘look at all this ( few leaves from outside on the bacony) was this you?’

pick it up, go on’ ( regarding a golf ball. In a tone I would use on my dog)

I feel sorry for him. the fact I know he is 53 and lonely. Can’t sleep. Is very critical of himself and others. Is unhappy. And hates himself. I can see that. Now I can see that.

I wanted to fix him and make it all better for him.

He would go crazy if I said that to his face. That’s his problem. And it all stems from what everyone thinks of him… its all about what others think!

I thought I was bad.

He blow-dries his hair. And uses hairspray. That alone should have set off huge warning signs.

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Have you ever been out with a guy and been introduced to his semi friends and you just know you are one of many many many. The next face passing through. It became obvious.

but I thought ‘ who am I to judge’ look at what I do!!! AND I write a blog about it.

I could of dealt with the fact he usually dates models and brings them out regularly to these  dinners and this charity event we were going to all week ….. but to have a guy not really be that interested in what u have to say or anything about your life. I find that pretty fuckin rude

The problem with LA is everyone is so so scared and desperate that they’re not gonna make it or get what they want in there career that they just turn into little dead heads. However genuine and nice they were in the beginning…. Its drained out of them.

Deadheads are constantly on there best behaviour , looking beautiful and ready to upset nowone. and always trying to get Exactly what they want.  Like snakes.

This alone makes me want to upsey EVERYONE in LA. Get  drunk.  Get Loud. Get Obnoxious, and then take the piss outta anyone and everyone who looks like they have a spoon up there arse. Or ASS as they would have to say

 ‘Eat a carb, have a pint of beer and let your fucking hair extensions down’

The manhore has no idea its over.

I don’t know how to break it to him


We had some very cuddly moments. Mixed with all the shagging.

But his temper and set of values makes me feel sick. So however many orgasms he gave me I have to let him go.

I have too……. don’t i?!


to be continued……