I think I’m in trouble. In the midst of all this dating I have developed feelings for a silly effeminate creature that turns out to actually be a man. When did this happen?!
I feel like I am in trouble.
He was performing at my 6th open mic comedy gig. I saw him sat in a dark corner a few seats along. He had hair like a fraggle ( you remember fraggles rock don’t u? hair exactly like that ) I liked him automatically. You know those people you just see and you know you like them.
He has become a friend. Inviting me out over the last few weeks. The first night he introduced me to a very beautiful stand up comic who I thought was his girlfriend, as he has mentioned he had one. Turned out SHE was on a date ( is everyone on dates???!!! ) I brought my Irish friend ( the one who is also online dating and likes polish girls with huge tits from the first blog)
After he had introduced us, the effeminate creature flounced off to Shoreditch to meet other friends. And the rest of us decided to stay local. One of the guys from the dating website I’m on was in the area, so I told him to come along and meet us. I had been chatting to this one for 2 weeks on ‘what’s app’ and I thought it was about time we met!
He walked in. I turned to my Irish friend ‘ oh god. That’s him’
He was short. Shorter than he had said.
His eyebrows had been waxed in the middle…. Which alone is not an offence… but also they had been shaped. You know the way 20 something year old Spanish and Italian men do?!
He had a huge dressing on the side of his face. He had apparently just had a growth removed.
But worst of all. He didn’t listen. You know those people who just talk over you continually. They don’t stop to absorb. Conversations are a two-way thing. I think anyway. Well , there not with my mother but then who has proper conversations with their mother ? right?!
I smiled and listened and laughed at his drippy jokes.
It was getting more difficult to pretend that he was interesting as I got more drunk .
I caught the eye of The beautiful blond stand up and did the wide-eyed ‘ help me the fuck out’ look
She moved fast. It was impressive. Grabbing my hand she said
‘ do wanna come for a fag babe’
‘yeah… I do!’ I said quickly
He dressing man then grabbed my other hand and said
‘I thought you said you had given up?!!’
I was too drunk and empowered by the beautiful blonde stand up to remain polite
‘ well…. Ive started again!!!!’
We left the pub. And started to running down dean street in Soho laughing and spilling our wine.
‘ Fuck it …. You’ll never see him again!’ She said
We ran to Soho Square and smoked a Marlborough light sat on a concrete step.
Then realised we had left my Irish friend and HER date in the pub with dressing face man.
Dressing face man then texted with
‘ I’m off xx ’
If someone clearly leaves you like that and doesn’t return…. Why would you text them?! Ever again?!
Is running away not a clear enough indication that they are not interested?!
The next day he sent another text
‘ Any more date’s lined up this week? x ’
I didn’t answer.
The effeminate fraggle creature, which I find strangely attractive, invited me out again the next week to an attractive female friends party. I wondered this time whether he would stay longer.
I told him about a new 6 foot black guy I had just been on a lunch date with that afternoon (I wont go into this as nothing interesting happened apart from he was and is VERY very hot. So hot its ridiculous )
The effeminate fraggle creature told me about the only person he had loved. This wasn’t his current girlfriend. This made me annoyed. And sad. And kind of jealous. All in a one moment. How is that possible? Very odd.
We danced and I felt stupid. Which I never do cos I can dance. I can dance Good.
There were some IT looking, very middle class kids in a circle doing one of those dance off’s…. The effeminate creature barged in to the middle of the circle with his fraggle hair flowing and danced …… and of course…… they loved him. This was irritating as that what I should have done. Instead I danced at the side like a knob ginning.
The night progressed to Dalston were we picked up another one of his stylish attractive successful female friends in a cab. This was getting ridiculous! They seemed very close.
I got lumbered with a fellow Manc at the bar who was off his tits on EVERY drug that has ever been created and kept trying to pass me some under my bar stool . I should have taken it… by this point it was 4am and the effeminate creature was joined at the hip with his attractive female friend.
I should have taken the drugs. But instead I left and got a sweaty kebab and chips and humus and pita and helium on the way home. ( claiming to the Turkish guy serving that my boyfriend was in bed and has sent me out. I even had a fake phone call with the fake boyfriend)
I should have taken the drugs.
The effeminate creature invited me out again this week. To see a band in angel. He said I may fancy his ‘good looking’ friend Deano. I told him I felt too fat to leave the house, and especially for the area of angel ….. I could have maybe dealt with seeing a band in Tottenham or Peckham but I was defiantly too fat for a cool gypsy dirge type band near angel. He told me to send him some pics of how fat I was. So I did. He told me I was pushing my belly out . and also that Deano liked fat chicks.
So I put my fat pants on and left.
The effeminate creature wasn’t giving me any attention again and Deano wasn’t hot. So naturally I filled them in about the ridiculously 6.6 fit black guy who turns out to be a helicopter pilot with a private jet! Seriously.
The band was good. The lead singer looked like Hugh Jackman. I danced drunken beginners swing with him. He was good. But it was beginning to dawn on me
I Like the effeminate fraggle creature male. And more than a Hugh Jack man lookalike who is the front man of a rock band??!!!. What is WRONG with me?!
I told you I was in trouble.
Reasons why liking the effeminate fraggle creature is not good
- I think that he may leave me for will young if we got together ( he admitted that he has a man rush on him. yuk!)
- I think that he is better than me and I dislike being with anyone who is
- I think his ex girlfriend maybe prettier than me, have bigger breasts and own better clothes. They are always breaking up and getting back together. Not good.
- He will be a much better and much more successful comic than I will ever be
- If I stop dating I may get fat
- He may want me to wear a strap on one day
- He has lots of very attractive female friends, which may make me act like a baby.
- He has major potential to be a contender for ‘the one’ which is a reason in itself not to pursue. but also ;
A) he isn’t rich. ( I would have to work)
B) Isn’t black. ( no giant cocks. Or beautiful mixed race babies )
C) Couldn’t beat up anyone. let alone a male intruder
I crumbled towards the end of the night.
I turned to him and said (whilst looking like i was in pain and also trying to stick my little tits out, because stupidly I hadn’t worn a padded bra)
‘ I think i……….like you’
he smiled and said
‘ you only like me because I don’t like you….
…..plus you’ve shown no interest in me! ’
I told him that despite being out of work as an actress for over 7 months that in fact I’m very good at it. And suddenly I realised that maybe this was true. As long as there is no script involved. I AM very good. But unfortunately there usually is.
I can’t remember what happened after that. I have flashes. One is us;
squirting water in each other mouths and laughing.
Then us kissing at a bus stop.
Then me touching his thin delicate fraggle hair.
Naturally I went on date number 2 with the 6 foot black pilot the next night. We ate fish in Chelsea and had £23 each champagne cocktails in Sloan square. All I could think of was 50 shades of grey. Lets call him Mr grey.
That and how The conversation was hard work. But his face and the free dinner and drinks made up for it.
effeminate fraggle creature was texting me throughout the evening. He invited me to join him….. and …….. yes friends…. In east London. I slurred my excuses and left mr grey.
£35 pounds later and I’m back in the company of the effeminate fraggle. The taxi driver commented on how I had down graded from the very hansom man who had put me in the taxi cab to the effeminate fraggle male who had taken me out.
CUT TO; The next day.
We were still dressed. From the night before. and in my bed. Kinda cuddling. I attempted a blow job. It didn’t quite work out. He attempted to but his hand in my knickers. I resisted. As I wasn’t trimmed up enough to let an effeminate fraggle creature pass judgment on that area.
We went out and had breakfast. and took my dog for a walk in the park.
He made me laugh allot.
He held my hand.
He stroked my upper arms. ( ive never been so happy that I exfoliated my upper arms in my fuckin life)
I started to try and do my 5 minute set in front of him. As he has never seen it before. It went wrong. Like one of those stories that’s ends in ‘ you just had to be there…. It was soooooo funny’
This is why I never date people that I think are better than me. They are intimating and I start to behave like someone else. Someone unfunny. someone annoying. Someone who I don’t like.
I’ve spent all today thinking about the effeminate fraggle . I keep replaying his smile that turns into a laugh like a clip from a Julia Roberts rom com in my mind. He has THE best smile into laugh I have ever seen. Ever.
On a fraggle
These feelings may be because he never texted Saturday night . or this maybe because I really like effeminate fraggle creature male
Either way I’m in trouble!
Either way it feels like a trap.
Either way I have found a new website . . . .
Its called ‘Whats.your.price’ and guys bid for a date with you. You get paid for dating?! This is surely the dream job right?
You meet in a public place. Get dinner bought for you and get cash for sitting opposite a lonely 40 something in a suit who has a face like a bull.
This is my moral justification for entering into ‘Whats.your.price’ world….
I’m poor. I’m single.
Plus I think I’m in trouble regarding feelings for the effeminate fraggle.
It’s a fucking fraggle trap . and I AM NOT FALLING into it.
Tonight I’m meeting a bull faced 43 year old for £150 cash.