THE SLUT SPA….. The Finale

julia robertsjulia roberts pretty womenjulia roberts

I needed to get rid of him.


He told me to lye on the bed next to him. I did hesitantly. He cuddled me and told me I needed someone to take care of me. I agreed. It might have been nice if I wasn’t so uncomfortable.

He asked me for a kiss.

I kissed him

I did not enjoy it.

I wish I had

How easy life would be with him

He asked me what it would take for me to consider it being an ‘arrangement’

Now I really did feel like pretty women.

I wanted him to leave.

He left 10 mins later.

I kissed him goodbye again on the lips. Its felt strange. Like kissing someone’s dad.

I couldn’t sleep

I ordered more champagne. More strawberries. And ate all the peanuts, crisps and sweet suggerd almonds on top of the mini bar.

The fraggle messaged me on Facebook. We talked for about 2 hours. He couldn’t sleep either. Wen I cant sleep I watch stand up comedy. Particularly Dylan Moran. I like his manner. He makes me feel like I’m somehow safe. Somehow everything is better with Dylan Moran playing next to me  on my laptop. Wen the fraggle cant sleep he watches documentaries on the tsunami. And I thought I was fucked up.

It was 4am. I still couldn’t sleep. I had 2 beers. And half a glass of red wine.

I felt restless. And sad. And angy. And scared. And lonely.

I decieded I needed to cry.

And I did.

It felt good

I thought about my ex fiencee and how he left me for Italy.

I felt sorry for myself. And cryed some more.

Then I slept

I woke up the next day and felt a little thinner. Im not sure why. Maybe I cried out all the champagne.

I texted joe peece saying I was going to use the spa again and get some treatments. I was going to push this as far as I could. Plus I wanted to get some products as presents for ‘diamond’ my friend who had been minding my dog.

He didn’t object.

The treatments were all booked up. So I spend £300 in products from the shop and put it on the room. They also sold jewelry in the hotel shop. I bought my friend ‘diamond’ a fake diamond ring for £89.

And then I went for a swim.

I checked out around 4.30pm. After a chicken salad lunch in the garden alone . pretending to read The Guardian.


My friend called me and I pretended to be at my uncles house in west London. Not at spa in Henley on thames flirting with high class prostitution.

I checked out and ordered a cab all the way to Fulham to pick up my dog, meet diamond, and possibly slip another ‘ whats your price’ in.

The whole bill came to £967 including the taxi fare. My heart was racing. I wished i could just give them back all the champagne and treatments and have the cash. I could start to pay off my overdraft.I told her to put it all on my ‘partners’ card. And left.

I got to Fulham at 5.30pm and met a man called keith from ‘whats your’

He had very yellow teeth. No hair. And was verging on 5’5. I spend an hour with him and left. He put the ‘agreed date fee’ in an art magazine on the table. I didn’t check to see if it was there. I just wanted to get away and meet diamond.

It was all there.

I gave diamond £100 for looking after my dog. She is more skint than me. And it made me feel better about myself. I’m not sure she liked the ring. But it looked pretty on her finger. I wished id bought myself one too. But then it dawned on e that it was almost identicle to my old engagement ring.

I felt sick.

Sick that he had left me. And sick that it still hurt.

At least my nails looked good. And my skin was glowing. And I had a friend like diamond that I could tell everything too.

And at least I don’t have cellulite at the moment. Do u think I can put that on my CV?

I need a proper fucking job. I hate acting. And dates with fat ugly older men.

i need a therapist.

And to feel a warm muscly body up against mine that’s not over 50!

The end of the week came round. Id avoided seeing the fraggle for 3 days since id been back

I was trying to see how long I could go despite him messageing me EVERY bloody day!

On the Wednesday he had told me he was off to B and Q with his ex to help her buy a fence. I told him he would end up in bed with her. He said he felt bad and was just going to help her out  and couldn’t say no as she was ‘ being really nice’  I told him he was co dependeant and to be careful. And that he would end up fucking her

He messaged me later on.

I asked him if he was naked in her bed. He said no. but he had been.

I felt jelous.

I didn’t like that.

He said you can hardly get jelous with the amount of sex you have been having.

I wanted to know what she looked like.  Mainly just if she was thinner than me.  Standard.

Isn’t that what all women want to know first?!

or is it just me???


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13 orgasams in lost angeles …. ( part 2 )

los angeles LAX

I’ve suppressed so much anger this week I’m very surprised I haven’t eaten my own body weight in pastries. That’s what I would usually do.

I ate half a jar of his almond peanut butter for breakfast this morning .ricecakes and dry cereal. But im letting that go.  ( and breath)

 Plus …I had 13 orgasms in 7 nights


Most down to my clit vibrater. but still…. Its hard to find someone who u can feel that comfortable with to get that out in front of


I loved them

I climaxed so hard I screamed. And put up with the manhore shuving his fingers in my mouth hard whilst he screamed in a cheesy LA accent

‘ oh yeah baby yeeeeeeah !‘

I mean …. That is a turn off in itself . but when your about to climax you don’t give a fuck right?! I didn’t. i just needed it.

And I got it.

Thank god for my little vibrating friend. She doesn’t waste time. She gets to the point. And doesn’t feel the need to bullshit about anything,

She’s good

Why would she need to say how good she is!?

She’s secure within herself.

She’s very good at her job.

And I like her a lot.

I just hope she is happy

Why is it a she? ….

I think im BI sexual!


As I left his apartment there was a note on his dinning room table . with a cheque for $300

it read

buy your self something nice ’

I wanted to fold it into a small paper aeroplane and leave a note back saying

Dear sir/madam,

we regret to inform you that on this occasion your application has been unsuccessful. This is due to the fact you are dead behind the fucking eyes

 yours truly

miss E.D Opportunity 

instead i took the cheque.

I don’t like myself for that.

I’m getting off the plane and meeting *joe peece,. ( see blog oyster eyes) He has offered to pick me up and drive me to lunch with a spar day attached. No expectations

Im in

Im so in

Ive had a headache for the past 7 days. Its now moved down to my jaw. Thats what LA LA land has done to me. Make me ache. Ache for something real


I plan to see the fraggle in 2 nights time. He is comparing in east London at a comedy night.

Half of me wants to not go. Stay in bed and eat fat chips alone . and try and sort out my life by looking for a real job and a cheaper place to live.

But the better half , the Sharon stone half wants to turn up late in a ridiculously short skirt and stand at the side and flutter my false ( will buy some) eye lashes at his all night till he gets so hot and bothered he comes over and gets all flustered and asked me how LA was.



I HAVE GOT to do that.

; )


Im going to be fat ,old and wrinkly  one day soon. Then what will I do for fun?!!!


lights fade:


and we hear ‘ dirty Diana ‘ by Michal Jackson


onwards to the spar…… the slutty spar!

slut girl









13 Orgasams in Lost angeles …. ( part 1)

I’m sat on a plane from LAX to Heathrow

its over.

War Is Over

Whatever happened back then , with the manhore. Its over. Im so happy to be away . and feel ok with eating carbs again. Saying that , ive just eaten the ‘chicken and rice dish’ that they provide on the flight and I’m already getting evil looks form the ghost manhore, that is now in my head.

The really annoying thing is I do have feelings for him. Feelings other than mild hatred.

I nearly cryed the night before I left. Granted I was drunk. I have been every night I’ve been here. I’m using the fact that I’ve felt like a fat c**t all week and have needed to drown it outas an excuse/reason. That and the anger over comments like;

‘ bubble butt’

‘I do have coasters… you’ve made a huge ring on my coffe table with that glass’

‘you have your shoes on, on my carpet’

‘look at all this ( few leaves from outside on the bacony) was this you?’

pick it up, go on’ ( regarding a golf ball. In a tone I would use on my dog)

I feel sorry for him. the fact I know he is 53 and lonely. Can’t sleep. Is very critical of himself and others. Is unhappy. And hates himself. I can see that. Now I can see that.

I wanted to fix him and make it all better for him.

He would go crazy if I said that to his face. That’s his problem. And it all stems from what everyone thinks of him… its all about what others think!

I thought I was bad.

He blow-dries his hair. And uses hairspray. That alone should have set off huge warning signs.

Blowdry-480x340 adam sandler

Have you ever been out with a guy and been introduced to his semi friends and you just know you are one of many many many. The next face passing through. It became obvious.

but I thought ‘ who am I to judge’ look at what I do!!! AND I write a blog about it.

I could of dealt with the fact he usually dates models and brings them out regularly to these  dinners and this charity event we were going to all week ….. but to have a guy not really be that interested in what u have to say or anything about your life. I find that pretty fuckin rude

The problem with LA is everyone is so so scared and desperate that they’re not gonna make it or get what they want in there career that they just turn into little dead heads. However genuine and nice they were in the beginning…. Its drained out of them.

Deadheads are constantly on there best behaviour , looking beautiful and ready to upset nowone. and always trying to get Exactly what they want.  Like snakes.

This alone makes me want to upsey EVERYONE in LA. Get  drunk.  Get Loud. Get Obnoxious, and then take the piss outta anyone and everyone who looks like they have a spoon up there arse. Or ASS as they would have to say

 ‘Eat a carb, have a pint of beer and let your fucking hair extensions down’

The manhore has no idea its over.

I don’t know how to break it to him


We had some very cuddly moments. Mixed with all the shagging.

But his temper and set of values makes me feel sick. So however many orgasms he gave me I have to let him go.

I have too……. don’t i?!


to be continued……


Oyster eyes


Date number 5 on ‘what’s your ’

Expected fee – £150

 Bentley seafood restaurant; Piccadilly circus, London

It was pouring with rain. But I blagged a lost property umbrella from my gym that morning.

I didn’t know what to wear. I settled on a ….. wait for it…. I know your on the edge of your seats…

A long navy blue cashmere coat, black shift dress with knee-high boots and black tights.

He was at the bar alone. The waitress walked me too him.

It was pleasant.

Ironically his eyes where very small and oyster like.

The oysters were the best I’ve ever tasted. And I ate raw snails for the first time.

They taste like snails. Not chicken

Very snailish

He was looking for ‘ a long-term mutual arrangement’ his wife has been very ill with MS for 12 years. She was bed ridden. I felt upset for him. I had judged him as another grey haired rich promiscuous perv.

Does having a wife with MS make you immune. I don’t know.

Nothing interesting happened apart from he gave me an extra £50. He slipped it in my cashmere coat as we walked down Piccadilly in the rain under my lost property umbrella.

I thanked him.  I kissed him on the side of the mouth and went straight to the bank to deposit the money. I then went to Selfridges to spend a £50 voucher that had been burning a hole in my wallet for 3 months.

I had taken back something that a man had bought me. And got the credit, what did I ever need with elbow length black leather gloves!?

That one I had met through ‘sugar’

We had met 3 months previous for lunch and he had treated me to a few items. One being an all saints leather jacket ( Smiley fucking face)

He had wanted a long-term ‘arrangement’ I had freaked out afterwards cos I thought he was too old and too fat for that kind of thing to work.

It’s not that I hate fat people. I have been one. And have slept with a few. I think jack black’s is one of the sexist guys alive. Followed maybe by nick helm.

I don’t know what is was.

Maybe I hated myself for using him for free clothes and dinner.

Or maybe I just wasn’t attracted to him. and wasn’t desperate/ broke enough to pretend.

So clearly I texted him on my post oyster snail champagne £200 high whilst I was in Selfridges spending my £50 voucher on a black blazer and ghetto gold earrings.

Sharon stone in casino KEEPS coming out.

He was there within 30 minutes.

This is too easy.

We had dinner. And laughed about the fact I never called him after our first date/ shopping trip.

Lets call this guy ‘Joe Pesci’

He drove me home and we talked about what I wanted in life.

He told me he could give me what I wanted, everything financial to make me very very comfortable for a few years till I meet ‘the one’ and wanted settle down.

This is a very tempting offer.

Would you do it?

I feels like selling my soul to the devil. It shouldn’t. He is not the devil. He is a nice man.

But what would my mum say?!

I got home. Changed out of my high-class hooker outfit into my 80’s MC hammer pants, dirty converse , ‘hole’ sleeve less t shirt and but on my all saints leather jacket.

I got the bus to Camden and met my flatmate and her friend to see a band in a dingy pub for 5 pounds.

After we walked to a sing along Amy Whinehouse night at the ‘purple turtle’ and spoke about strap ons.

They both were like  ‘ yeah I’d do that ’

Is this what everyone’s doing now?! ..…. Fucking there skinny jeans wearing floppy  haired boyfriend’s in the arse’s with strap ons??!!

I’m so outta the loop.

Or hole.

I don’t wanna be in the hole. Thanks

I’m already in a fucking hole.

We sang ‘ total eclipse of the heart’ at the giant screen accompanied by the very married live band and the rest of the sweaty room. I danced with a 23-year-old Pete Doherty wannabe with bad breath.

The next day I went to the gym.

MOOD CHANGE and Que music ; Nicki Minaj ‘I am your leader’

listen to it now if you can.

Now I haven’t told you about this one.

This one is personal trainer that I’ve seen 3 times over the last few weeks. I met  him at the start on the dating diary whist on  (a normal dating site) He is fairly normal. Well I thought. Yeah….. wait for it.

I met his friends on Edgeware Rd on one of our dates, they were all laughing and smoking sheek. then we all went to the playboy mansion casino in a convoy of sport’s  cars with personalised number plates. On a Sunday afternoon.

Normal, right.

He has the body of Nelly. And the teeth to match.

I think that’s HOT.


He picks me up in his bmw convertible with his gangster wrap pumping.

We trained together. at my gym. He then stretched me out after. At my gym.


We then had a sauna together.  He kept eyeing up my arse.


We went to get some extra keys cut (cos im going away to L.A tomorrow)

Not so HOT

He handed me £20 and i bought summery food and wine to make us lunch back at my house/ just a room.


We kissed in my small kitchen over a protein shake.


As I was cooking the turkey breasts it went south


I had him in my hand.

I have NEVER felt one that big before. I said ‘ fuuuuucking hell’

He said

‘ Don’t look down’


It resulted in something from ‘u’ that’s all I’m gonna say. But without the orgasm noises.

But I didn’t . you know.

Well….. you know.


I got rid of him by 6pm cos I had to pack. Plus I wanted my own space back.

I met a guy 2 months ago whilst in LA. I was there visiting, on my back from spending 2 months in Montana working on a horse ranch trying to ‘find myself’

Yes. I’m still looking.

Waste of time.

( But I can now know now to cut a baby bulls bollocks off. And have shagged a real cowboy. So that’s 2 things off my bucket list )

We spent a few evenings together amongst friends.

Then one night together.

I remember waking up on top of him wearing his sweat pants and nothing else.

He had his hands in my hair and I was nuzzled in his neck we were sleeping as if we were one person.

My flight left in 3 hours. He wanted me to stay and ‘hang out’ some more. I clearly panicked and threw my clothes on in a drunken stoned haze.

He followed me to the lift in his boxer shorts. For a man of 53 this guy looked amazing. He could pass for 40.

i said ‘ I’ll be back’

I’m not sure if I really meant it.

2 months later. and he’s booked a flight for me to come and ‘hang out’ for 8 days.

I’m on the plane now. Right now!

I’m nervous.

I can’t remember what he is like to kiss.

He booked the flight 3 weeks ago,

I wish I had made him come to London to ‘hang out’

I’m nervous

And I’m on my period

It’s all wrong.

I arrive in LAX in 7 hours.

What the fuck am I doing??!!!

To be continued……

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The Trap of the Effeminate male Fraggle

Red 2I think I’m in trouble. In the midst of all this dating I have developed feelings for a silly effeminate creature that turns out to actually be a man.  When did this happen?!

I feel like I am in trouble.

He was performing at my 6th open mic comedy gig. I saw him sat in a dark corner a few seats along. He had hair like a fraggle ( you remember fraggles rock don’t u? hair exactly like that ) I liked him automatically. You know those people you just see and you know you like them.

He has become a friend. Inviting me out over the last few weeks. The first night he introduced me to a very beautiful stand up comic who I thought was his girlfriend, as he has mentioned he had one. Turned out SHE was on a date ( is everyone on dates???!!! ) I brought my Irish friend ( the one who is also online dating and likes polish girls with huge tits from the first blog)

After he had introduced us, the effeminate creature flounced off to Shoreditch to meet other friends. And the rest of us decided to stay local. One of the guys from the dating website I’m on was in the area, so I told him to come along and meet us. I had been chatting to this one for 2 weeks on ‘what’s app’ and I thought it was about time we met!

He walked in. I turned to my Irish friend ‘ oh god. That’s him’

He was short. Shorter than he had said.

His eyebrows had been waxed in the middle…. Which alone is not an offence… but also they had been shaped. You know the way 20 something year old Spanish and Italian men do?!

He had a huge dressing on the side of his face. He had apparently just had a growth removed.


But worst of all. He didn’t listen. You know those people who just talk over you continually. They don’t stop to absorb. Conversations are a two-way thing. I think anyway. Well , there not with my mother but then who has proper conversations with their mother ? right?!

I smiled and listened and laughed at his drippy jokes.

It was getting more difficult to pretend that he was interesting as I got more drunk .

I caught the eye of The beautiful blond stand up  and did the wide-eyed ‘ help me the fuck out’ look

She moved fast. It was impressive. Grabbing my hand she said

‘ do wanna come for a fag babe’

‘yeah… I do!’ I said quickly

He dressing man then grabbed my other hand and said

‘I thought you said you had given up?!!’

I was too drunk and empowered by the beautiful blonde stand up to remain polite

‘ well…. Ive started again!!!!’

We left the pub. And started to running down dean street in Soho laughing and spilling our wine.

‘ Fuck it …. You’ll never see him again!’  She said

We ran to Soho Square and smoked a Marlborough light sat on a concrete step.

Then realised we had left my Irish friend and HER date in the pub with dressing face man.

Dressing face man then texted with

‘ I’m off xx ’

If someone clearly leaves you like that and doesn’t return…. Why would you text them?! Ever again?!

Is running away not a clear enough indication that they are not interested?!

The next day he sent another text

‘ Any more date’s lined up this week? x ’

I didn’t answer.

The effeminate fraggle creature, which I find strangely attractive, invited me out again the next week to an attractive female friends party. I wondered this time whether he would stay longer.

I told him about a new 6 foot black guy I had just been on a lunch date with that afternoon (I wont go into this as nothing interesting happened apart from he was and is VERY very hot. So hot its ridiculous )

The effeminate fraggle creature told me about the only person he had loved. This wasn’t his current girlfriend. This made me annoyed. And sad. And kind of jealous. All in a one moment. How is that possible?  Very odd.

We danced and I felt stupid. Which I never do cos I can dance. I can dance Good.

There were some IT looking, very middle class kids in a circle doing one of those dance off’s…. The effeminate creature barged in to the middle of the circle with his fraggle hair flowing and danced …… and of course…… they loved him. This was irritating as that what I should have done. Instead I danced at the side like a knob ginning.

The night progressed to Dalston were we picked up another one of his stylish attractive successful female friends in a cab. This was getting ridiculous! They seemed very close.

I got lumbered with a fellow Manc at the bar who was off his tits on EVERY drug that has ever been created and kept trying to pass me some under my bar stool . I should have taken it… by this point it was 4am and the effeminate creature was joined at the hip with his attractive female friend.

I should have taken the drugs. But instead I left and got a sweaty kebab and chips and humus and pita and helium on the way home. ( claiming to the Turkish guy serving that my boyfriend was in bed and has sent me out. I even had a fake phone call with the fake boyfriend)

I should have taken the drugs.

The effeminate creature invited me out again this week. To see a band in angel. He said I may fancy his ‘good looking’ friend Deano. I told him I felt too fat to leave the house, and especially for the area of angel ….. I could have maybe dealt with seeing a band in Tottenham or Peckham but I was defiantly too fat for a cool gypsy dirge type band near angel. He told me to send him some pics of how fat I was. So I did. He told me I was pushing my belly out . and also that Deano liked fat chicks.

So I put my fat pants on and left.

The effeminate creature wasn’t giving me any attention again and Deano wasn’t hot. So naturally I filled them in about the ridiculously 6.6 fit black guy who turns out to be a helicopter pilot with a private jet!  Seriously.

The band was good. The lead singer looked like Hugh Jackman. I danced drunken beginners swing with him. He was good. But it was beginning to dawn on me

I Like the effeminate fraggle creature male. And more than a Hugh Jack man lookalike who is the front man of a rock band??!!!. What is WRONG with me?!

I told you I was in trouble.

Reasons why liking the effeminate fraggle creature is not good

  1. I think that he may leave me for will young if we got together ( he admitted that he has a man rush on him. yuk!)
  2. I think that he is better than me and I dislike being with anyone who is
  3. I think his ex girlfriend maybe prettier than me, have bigger breasts and own better clothes. They are always breaking up and getting back together. Not good.
  4. He will be a much better and much more successful comic than I will ever be
  5. If I stop dating I may get fat
  6. He may want me to wear a strap on one day
  7. He has lots of very attractive female friends, which may make me act like a baby.
  8. He has major potential to be a contender for ‘the one’ which is a reason in itself not to pursue. but also ;

A)   he isn’t rich. ( I would have to work)

B)   Isn’t black. ( no giant cocks. Or beautiful mixed race babies )

C)   Couldn’t beat up anyone. let alone a male intruder

I crumbled towards the end of the night.

I turned to him and said (whilst looking like i was in pain and also trying to stick my little tits out, because stupidly I hadn’t worn a padded bra)

‘ I think i……….like you’

he smiled and said

‘ you only like me because I don’t like you….

… you’ve shown no interest in me! ’

I told him that despite being out of work as an actress for over 7 months that in fact I’m very good at it. And suddenly I realised that maybe this was true. As long as there is no script involved. I AM very good. But unfortunately there usually is.

I can’t remember what happened after that. I have flashes. One is us;

squirting water in each other mouths and laughing.

Then us kissing at a bus stop.

Then me touching his thin delicate fraggle hair.

Naturally I went on date number 2 with the 6 foot black pilot the next night. We ate fish in Chelsea and had £23 each champagne cocktails in Sloan square. All I could think of was 50 shades of grey. Lets call him Mr grey.

That and how The conversation was hard work. But his face and the free dinner and drinks made up for it.

effeminate fraggle creature was texting me throughout the evening. He invited me to join him….. and …….. yes friends…. In east London. I slurred my excuses and left mr grey.

£35 pounds later and I’m back in the company of the effeminate fraggle. The taxi driver commented on how I had down graded from the very hansom man who had put me in the taxi cab to the effeminate fraggle male who had taken me out.

CUT TO; The next day.

We were still dressed. From the night before. and in my bed. Kinda cuddling. I attempted a blow job. It didn’t quite work out. He attempted to but his hand in my knickers. I resisted. As I wasn’t trimmed up enough to let  an effeminate fraggle creature pass judgment on that area.

We went out and had breakfast. and took my dog for a walk in the park.

He made me laugh allot.

He held my hand.

He stroked my upper arms. ( ive never been so happy that I exfoliated my upper arms in my fuckin life)

I started to try and do my 5 minute set in front of him. As he has never seen it before. It went wrong. Like one of those stories that’s ends in ‘ you just had to be there…. It was soooooo funny’


This is why I never date people that I think are better than me. They are intimating and I start to behave like someone else. Someone unfunny. someone annoying. Someone who I don’t like.

I’ve spent all today thinking about the effeminate fraggle . I keep replaying his smile that turns into a laugh like a clip from a Julia Roberts rom com in my mind. He has THE best smile into laugh I have ever seen. Ever.

On a fraggle

These feelings may be because he never texted Saturday night . or this maybe because I really like effeminate fraggle creature male

Either way I’m in trouble!

Either way it feels like a trap.

Either way I have found a new website . . . .

Its called ‘Whats.your.price’ and guys bid for a date with you. You get paid for dating?! This is surely the dream job right?

You meet in a public place. Get dinner bought for you and get cash for sitting opposite a lonely 40 something in a suit who has a face like a bull.

This is my moral justification for entering into ‘Whats.your.price’ world….

I’m poor. I’m single.

Plus I think I’m in trouble regarding feelings for the effeminate fraggle.

It’s a fucking fraggle trap . and I AM NOT FALLING into it.

Tonight I’m meeting a bull faced 43 year old for £150 cash.