Oyster eyes

Date number 5 on ‘what’s your price.com ’

Expected fee – £150

 Bentley seafood restaurant; Piccadilly circus, London

It was pouring with rain. But I blagged a lost property umbrella from my gym that morning.

I didn’t know what to wear. I settled on a ….. wait for it…. I know your on the edge of your seats…

A long navy blue cashmere coat, black shift dress with knee-high boots and black tights.

He was at the bar alone. The waitress walked me too him.

It was pleasant.

Ironically his eyes where very small and oyster like.

The oysters were the best I’ve ever tasted. And I ate raw snails for the first time.

They taste like snails. Not chicken

Very snailish

He was looking for ‘ a long-term mutual arrangement’ his wife has been very ill with MS for 12 years. She was bed ridden. I felt upset for him. I had judged him as another grey haired rich promiscuous perv.

Does having a wife with MS make you immune. I don’t know.

Nothing interesting happened apart from he gave me an extra £50. He slipped it in my cashmere coat as we walked down Piccadilly in the rain under my lost property umbrella.

I thanked him.  I kissed him on the side of the mouth and went straight to the bank to deposit the money. I then went to Selfridges to spend a £50 voucher that had been burning a hole in my wallet for 3 months.

I had taken back something that a man had bought me. And got the credit, what did I ever need with elbow length black leather gloves!?

That one I had met through ‘sugar daddie.com’

We had met 3 months previous for lunch and he had treated me to a few items. One being an all saints leather jacket ( Smiley fucking face)

He had wanted a long-term ‘arrangement’ I had freaked out afterwards cos I thought he was too old and too fat for that kind of thing to work.

It’s not that I hate fat people. I have been one. And have slept with a few. I think jack black’s is one of the sexist guys alive. Followed maybe by nick helm.

I don’t know what is was.

Maybe I hated myself for using him for free clothes and dinner.

Or maybe I just wasn’t attracted to him. and wasn’t desperate/ broke enough to pretend.

So clearly I texted him on my post oyster snail champagne £200 high whilst I was in Selfridges spending my £50 voucher on a black blazer and ghetto gold earrings.

Sharon stone in casino KEEPS coming out.

He was there within 30 minutes.

This is too easy.

We had dinner. And laughed about the fact I never called him after our first date/ shopping trip.

Lets call this guy ‘Joe Pesci’

He drove me home and we talked about what I wanted in life.

He told me he could give me what I wanted, everything financial to make me very very comfortable for a few years till I meet ‘the one’ and wanted settle down.

This is a very tempting offer.

Would you do it?

I feels like selling my soul to the devil. It shouldn’t. He is not the devil. He is a nice man.

But what would my mum say?!

I got home. Changed out of my high-class hooker outfit into my 80’s MC hammer pants, dirty converse , ‘hole’ sleeve less t shirt and but on my all saints leather jacket.

I got the bus to Camden and met my flatmate and her friend to see a band in a dingy pub for 5 pounds.

After we walked to a sing along Amy Whinehouse night at the ‘purple turtle’ and spoke about strap ons.

They both were like  ‘ yeah I’d do that ’

Is this what everyone’s doing now?! ..…. Fucking there skinny jeans wearing floppy  haired boyfriend’s in the arse’s with strap ons??!!

I’m so outta the loop.

Or hole.

I don’t wanna be in the hole. Thanks

I’m already in a fucking hole.

We sang ‘ total eclipse of the heart’ at the giant screen accompanied by the very married live band and the rest of the sweaty room. I danced with a 23-year-old Pete Doherty wannabe with bad breath.

The next day I went to the gym.

MOOD CHANGE and Que music ; Nicki Minaj ‘I am your leader’

listen to it now if you can.

Now I haven’t told you about this one.

This one is personal trainer that I’ve seen 3 times over the last few weeks. I met  him at the start on the dating diary whist on pof.com.  (a normal dating site) He is fairly normal. Well I thought. Yeah….. wait for it.

I met his friends on Edgeware Rd on one of our dates, they were all laughing and smoking sheek. then we all went to the playboy mansion casino in a convoy of sport’s  cars with personalised number plates. On a Sunday afternoon.

Normal, right.

He has the body of Nelly. And the teeth to match.

I think that’s HOT.

He picks me up in his bmw convertible with his gangster wrap pumping.

We trained together. at my gym. He then stretched me out after. At my gym.

HOT

We then had a sauna together.  He kept eyeing up my arse.

HOT

We went to get some extra keys cut (cos im going away to L.A tomorrow)

Not so HOT

He handed me £20 and i bought summery food and wine to make us lunch back at my house/ just a room.

HOT

We kissed in my small kitchen over a protein shake.

HOT

As I was cooking the turkey breasts it went south

HOT

I had him in my hand.

I have NEVER felt one that big before. I said ‘ fuuuuucking hell’

He said

‘ Don’t look down’

HOT

It resulted in something from ‘u porn.com’ that’s all I’m gonna say. But without the orgasm noises.

But I didn’t . you know.

Well….. you know.

Come.

I got rid of him by 6pm cos I had to pack. Plus I wanted my own space back.

I met a guy 2 months ago whilst in LA. I was there visiting, on my back from spending 2 months in Montana working on a horse ranch trying to ‘find myself’

Yes. I’m still looking.

Waste of time.

( But I can now know now to cut a baby bulls bollocks off. And have shagged a real cowboy. So that’s 2 things off my bucket list )

We spent a few evenings together amongst friends.

Then one night together.

I remember waking up on top of him wearing his sweat pants and nothing else.

He had his hands in my hair and I was nuzzled in his neck we were sleeping as if we were one person.

My flight left in 3 hours. He wanted me to stay and ‘hang out’ some more. I clearly panicked and threw my clothes on in a drunken stoned haze.

He followed me to the lift in his boxer shorts. For a man of 53 this guy looked amazing. He could pass for 40.

i said ‘ I’ll be back’

I’m not sure if I really meant it.

2 months later. and he’s booked a flight for me to come and ‘hang out’ for 8 days.

I’m on the plane now. Right now!

I’m nervous.

I can’t remember what he is like to kiss.

He booked the flight 3 weeks ago,

I wish I had made him come to London to ‘hang out’

I’m nervous

And I’m on my period

It’s all wrong.

I arrive in LAX in 7 hours.

What the fuck am I doing??!!!

To be continued……

( if u like this post/blog please repost or tweet it ect. i can’t. as its anonymous! )

The Trap of the Effeminate male Fraggle

I think I’m in trouble. In the midst of all this dating I have developed feelings for a silly effeminate creature that turns out to actually be a man.  When did this happen?!

I feel like I am in trouble.

He was performing at my 6^th open mic comedy gig. I saw him sat in a dark corner a few seats along. He had hair like a fraggle ( you remember fraggles rock don’t u? hair exactly like that ) I liked him automatically. You know those people you just see and you know you like them.

He has become a friend. Inviting me out over the last few weeks. The first night he introduced me to a very beautiful stand up comic who I thought was his girlfriend, as he has mentioned he had one. Turned out SHE was on a date ( is everyone on dates???!!! ) I brought my Irish friend ( the one who is also online dating and likes polish girls with huge tits from the first blog)

After he had introduced us, the effeminate creature flounced off to Shoreditch to meet other friends. And the rest of us decided to stay local. One of the guys from the dating website I’m on was in the area, so I told him to come along and meet us. I had been chatting to this one for 2 weeks on ‘what’s app’ and I thought it was about time we met!

He walked in. I turned to my Irish friend ‘ oh god. That’s him’

He was short. Shorter than he had said.

His eyebrows had been waxed in the middle…. Which alone is not an offence… but also they had been shaped. You know the way 20 something year old Spanish and Italian men do?!

He had a huge dressing on the side of his face. He had apparently just had a growth removed.

Nice.

But worst of all. He didn’t listen. You know those people who just talk over you continually. They don’t stop to absorb. Conversations are a two-way thing. I think anyway. Well , there not with my mother but then who has proper conversations with their mother ? right?!

I smiled and listened and laughed at his drippy jokes.

It was getting more difficult to pretend that he was interesting as I got more drunk .

I caught the eye of The beautiful blond stand up  and did the wide-eyed ‘ help me the fuck out’ look

She moved fast. It was impressive. Grabbing my hand she said

‘ do wanna come for a fag babe’

‘yeah… I do!’ I said quickly

He dressing man then grabbed my other hand and said

‘I thought you said you had given up?!!’

I was too drunk and empowered by the beautiful blonde stand up to remain polite

‘ well…. Ive started again!!!!’

We left the pub. And started to running down dean street in Soho laughing and spilling our wine.

‘ Fuck it …. You’ll never see him again!’  She said

We ran to Soho Square and smoked a Marlborough light sat on a concrete step.

Then realised we had left my Irish friend and HER date in the pub with dressing face man.

Dressing face man then texted with

‘ I’m off xx ’

If someone clearly leaves you like that and doesn’t return…. Why would you text them?! Ever again?!

Is running away not a clear enough indication that they are not interested?!

The next day he sent another text

‘ Any more date’s lined up this week? x ’

I didn’t answer.

The effeminate fraggle creature, which I find strangely attractive, invited me out again the next week to an attractive female friends party. I wondered this time whether he would stay longer.

I told him about a new 6 foot black guy I had just been on a lunch date with that afternoon (I wont go into this as nothing interesting happened apart from he was and is VERY very hot. So hot its ridiculous )

The effeminate fraggle creature told me about the only person he had loved. This wasn’t his current girlfriend. This made me annoyed. And sad. And kind of jealous. All in a one moment. How is that possible?  Very odd.

We danced and I felt stupid. Which I never do cos I can dance. I can dance Good.

There were some IT looking, very middle class kids in a circle doing one of those dance off’s…. The effeminate creature barged in to the middle of the circle with his fraggle hair flowing and danced …… and of course…… they loved him. This was irritating as that what I should have done. Instead I danced at the side like a knob ginning.

The night progressed to Dalston were we picked up another one of his stylish attractive successful female friends in a cab. This was getting ridiculous! They seemed very close.

I got lumbered with a fellow Manc at the bar who was off his tits on EVERY drug that has ever been created and kept trying to pass me some under my bar stool . I should have taken it… by this point it was 4am and the effeminate creature was joined at the hip with his attractive female friend.

I should have taken the drugs. But instead I left and got a sweaty kebab and chips and humus and pita and helium on the way home. ( claiming to the Turkish guy serving that my boyfriend was in bed and has sent me out. I even had a fake phone call with the fake boyfriend)

I should have taken the drugs.

The effeminate creature invited me out again this week. To see a band in angel. He said I may fancy his ‘good looking’ friend Deano. I told him I felt too fat to leave the house, and especially for the area of angel ….. I could have maybe dealt with seeing a band in Tottenham or Peckham but I was defiantly too fat for a cool gypsy dirge type band near angel. He told me to send him some pics of how fat I was. So I did. He told me I was pushing my belly out . and also that Deano liked fat chicks.

So I put my fat pants on and left.

The effeminate creature wasn’t giving me any attention again and Deano wasn’t hot. So naturally I filled them in about the ridiculously 6.6 fit black guy who turns out to be a helicopter pilot with a private jet!  Seriously.

The band was good. The lead singer looked like Hugh Jackman. I danced drunken beginners swing with him. He was good. But it was beginning to dawn on me

I Like the effeminate fraggle creature male. And more than a Hugh Jack man lookalike who is the front man of a rock band??!!!. What is WRONG with me?!

I told you I was in trouble.

Reasons why liking the effeminate fraggle creature is not good

1. I think that he may leave me for will young if we got together ( he admitted that he has a man rush on him. yuk!)
2. I think that he is better than me and I dislike being with anyone who is
3. I think his ex girlfriend maybe prettier than me, have bigger breasts and own better clothes. They are always breaking up and getting back together. Not good.
4. He will be a much better and much more successful comic than I will ever be
5. If I stop dating I may get fat
6. He may want me to wear a strap on one day
7. He has lots of very attractive female friends, which may make me act like a baby.
8. He has major potential to be a contender for ‘the one’ which is a reason in itself not to pursue. but also ;

A)   he isn’t rich. ( I would have to work)

B)   Isn’t black. ( no giant cocks. Or beautiful mixed race babies )

C)   Couldn’t beat up anyone. let alone a male intruder

I crumbled towards the end of the night.

I turned to him and said (whilst looking like i was in pain and also trying to stick my little tits out, because stupidly I hadn’t worn a padded bra)

‘ I think i……….like you’

he smiled and said

‘ you only like me because I don’t like you….

…..plus you’ve shown no interest in me! ’

I told him that despite being out of work as an actress for over 7 months that in fact I’m very good at it. And suddenly I realised that maybe this was true. As long as there is no script involved. I AM very good. But unfortunately there usually is.

I can’t remember what happened after that. I have flashes. One is us;

squirting water in each other mouths and laughing.

Then us kissing at a bus stop.

Then me touching his thin delicate fraggle hair.

Naturally I went on date number 2 with the 6 foot black pilot the next night. We ate fish in Chelsea and had £23 each champagne cocktails in Sloan square. All I could think of was 50 shades of grey. Lets call him Mr grey.

That and how The conversation was hard work. But his face and the free dinner and drinks made up for it.

effeminate fraggle creature was texting me throughout the evening. He invited me to join him….. and …….. yes friends…. In east London. I slurred my excuses and left mr grey.

£35 pounds later and I’m back in the company of the effeminate fraggle. The taxi driver commented on how I had down graded from the very hansom man who had put me in the taxi cab to the effeminate fraggle male who had taken me out.

CUT TO; The next day.

We were still dressed. From the night before. and in my bed. Kinda cuddling. I attempted a blow job. It didn’t quite work out. He attempted to but his hand in my knickers. I resisted. As I wasn’t trimmed up enough to let  an effeminate fraggle creature pass judgment on that area.

We went out and had breakfast. and took my dog for a walk in the park.

He made me laugh allot.

He held my hand.

He stroked my upper arms. ( ive never been so happy that I exfoliated my upper arms in my fuckin life)

I started to try and do my 5 minute set in front of him. As he has never seen it before. It went wrong. Like one of those stories that’s ends in ‘ you just had to be there…. It was soooooo funny’

 

This is why I never date people that I think are better than me. They are intimating and I start to behave like someone else. Someone unfunny. someone annoying. Someone who I don’t like.

I’ve spent all today thinking about the effeminate fraggle . I keep replaying his smile that turns into a laugh like a clip from a Julia Roberts rom com in my mind. He has THE best smile into laugh I have ever seen. Ever.

On a fraggle

These feelings may be because he never texted Saturday night . or this maybe because I really like effeminate fraggle creature male

Either way I’m in trouble!

Either way it feels like a trap.

Either way I have found a new website . . . .

Its called ‘Whats.your.price’ and guys bid for a date with you. You get paid for dating?! This is surely the dream job right?

You meet in a public place. Get dinner bought for you and get cash for sitting opposite a lonely 40 something in a suit who has a face like a bull.

This is my moral justification for entering into ‘Whats.your.price’ world….

I’m poor. I’m single.

Plus I think I’m in trouble regarding feelings for the effeminate fraggle.

It’s a fucking fraggle trap . and I AM NOT FALLING into it.

Tonight I’m meeting a bull faced 43 year old for £150 cash.

Online dating… the beginning

I have a friend. ( i’m lucky)
We are talking about online dating . He turns to me and says
‘If I see one more photo with someone kissing a dolphin, I’m going to smash my head against this pint glass and eat the broken glass slowly’ I laughed loudly ( as I do that. Its really Annoying, I know. I’m looking into a new laugh )
He then showed me his what’s app with many MANY conversations with potential dates. I sighed ‘ Its hard work isn’t it’ He agreed but then smiled as he told me about a polish women with massive tits who he was going to meet that Saturday night.

I’ve only been online dating 3 weeks. Ive been single 10 months. The last guy broke my heart. Well, smashed it actually.I still find shards in my back yard. rotting.

But everything happens for a reason right?!!

The first online dating guy was hot…. He was even Facebook hot. I got carried away with the fantasy of this farm boy/man with floppy dark hair and tattoos and had a bit of text sex. Yes I know I know…. I hadn’t even met this guy or even spoke to him on the phone, ( MISTAKE) but I was lonely and kind of horney and he was there. On text.

We met.

He was deaf. Which I could of seen past. But his voice sounded like Alan partridge ….and a Depressed Alan partridge. And wen someone calls you ‘babe’ in a depressed bristolian sounding Alan partridge voice it makes you feel on edge. And your clitoris recoils and tries to find a place to hide.

The next guy also looked great… he was funny…. On text ( which I’m learning is no indication of anything) and he was a director. Im an actress. He’s a director. Result!
His hands were small. Way too small for his body. And defiantly too small for his head. We ate sushi in Soho. Then went to the theatre. I wanted to get away as I knew those hands could not make me happy. I had one drink with him after the show. He kissed me and I went with it cos I have low self esteem and thought that I at least owed him that because he had paid for everything. It felt like kissing a head. I had blocked all that was below it out. I said I was going to get a cab, he said we should share as we were going the same way. He ran into a cab place in Soho. And I ran. Away.

All the way to Camden to meet date number 3. Ok so please don’t judge. I know it was harsh, but I panicked and im shit at faking real emotion. Contrary to being a very talented actress. plus I wanted more free cocktails. Just not with his…. ……….Head.

Personal trainer man was number 3. He came With a body that should have been in 300.

I meet him outside a club. Its late. He’s with his friends. we decide to grab a late night drink. As we walk i say ‘ your not that tall’ . I know. What a shit thing to say. It was some kind of messed up banter. This set the tone unfortunately. The banter was great, but kinda messed up. Both of us trying to ‘neg ‘ the other. ‘neggin’ is a term men use that some guy created in a book he wrote about men’s dating. Its when you put someone down in order to get them to like you. It must have worked , cos I was sat on his lap after 1 hour. The cocktails may have helped. He kept saying i thought I was great and had a big head…… which was ironic given where/who I had just come from!

Then……. he called me a ‘cunt’
Yep.
I left.

He texted me at 5am saying ‘ you are perfect’
I didn’t agreed to a second date. On the basis that he had called me a cunt on the first. He then wrote

‘well,you were acting like one xx but I do like you’

This Sunday I am going ‘shuuuush’ dating. A silent dating evening in Camden.

I can not wait.