I have a friend. ( i’m lucky)
We are talking about online dating . He turns to me and says
‘If I see one more photo with someone kissing a dolphin, I’m going to smash my head against this pint glass and eat the broken glass slowly’ I laughed loudly ( as I do that. Its really Annoying, I know. I’m looking into a new laugh )
He then showed me his what’s app with many MANY conversations with potential dates. I sighed ‘ Its hard work isn’t it’ He agreed but then smiled as he told me about a polish women with massive tits who he was going to meet that Saturday night.
I’ve only been online dating 3 weeks. Ive been single 10 months. The last guy broke my heart. Well, smashed it actually.I still find shards in my back yard. rotting.
But everything happens for a reason right?!!
The first online dating guy was hot…. He was even Facebook hot. I got carried away with the fantasy of this farm boy/man with floppy dark hair and tattoos and had a bit of text sex. Yes I know I know…. I hadn’t even met this guy or even spoke to him on the phone, ( MISTAKE) but I was lonely and kind of horney and he was there. On text.
He was deaf. Which I could of seen past. But his voice sounded like Alan partridge ….and a Depressed Alan partridge. And wen someone calls you ‘babe’ in a depressed bristolian sounding Alan partridge voice it makes you feel on edge. And your clitoris recoils and tries to find a place to hide.
The next guy also looked great… he was funny…. On text ( which I’m learning is no indication of anything) and he was a director. Im an actress. He’s a director. Result!
His hands were small. Way too small for his body. And defiantly too small for his head. We ate sushi in Soho. Then went to the theatre. I wanted to get away as I knew those hands could not make me happy. I had one drink with him after the show. He kissed me and I went with it cos I have low self esteem and thought that I at least owed him that because he had paid for everything. It felt like kissing a head. I had blocked all that was below it out. I said I was going to get a cab, he said we should share as we were going the same way. He ran into a cab place in Soho. And I ran. Away.
All the way to Camden to meet date number 3. Ok so please don’t judge. I know it was harsh, but I panicked and im shit at faking real emotion. Contrary to being a very talented actress. plus I wanted more free cocktails. Just not with his…. ……….Head.
Personal trainer man was number 3. He came With a body that should have been in 300.
I meet him outside a club. Its late. He’s with his friends. we decide to grab a late night drink. As we walk i say ‘ your not that tall’ . I know. What a shit thing to say. It was some kind of messed up banter. This set the tone unfortunately. The banter was great, but kinda messed up. Both of us trying to ‘neg ‘ the other. ‘neggin’ is a term men use that some guy created in a book he wrote about men’s dating. Its when you put someone down in order to get them to like you. It must have worked , cos I was sat on his lap after 1 hour. The cocktails may have helped. He kept saying i thought I was great and had a big head…… which was ironic given where/who I had just come from!
Then……. he called me a ‘cunt’
He texted me at 5am saying ‘ you are perfect’
I didn’t agreed to a second date. On the basis that he had called me a cunt on the first. He then wrote
‘well,you were acting like one xx but I do like you’
This Sunday I am going ‘shuuuush’ dating. A silent dating evening in Camden.
I can not wait.