UN necessary drama

Un- necessary drama… that’s what a recent male friend said that I should call my non existent Edinburgh show. It kinda sums it all up. UN necessary.

That male friend and me just had a non break up break up…. Don’t you just hate thows??! … when your not actually together but u break up anyway. We had had a few drunken kisses over the course of a 6 months in-between lots of hanging out and a bit of bed hugging. He said he wanted more and couldn’t just be ‘friends’. I even had tears in my eyes…but….. I still didn’t want to be his girlfriend. I really didn’t. I wish I did. I prefer black men with massive arms that ask you what your favourite colour is on a date. They look pretty and their place is clear. Bed sheets.

The male friend that I just didn’t break up with is called Bernard ( no names are EVER changed in this anonymous blog BTW)  I will miss Bernard. He was very Sweet. Very deep And very Jewish. He talked too much. And I liked cutting him off and insulting him with a smile, I think he liked it too. He was passionate about things that annoy him. I’m passionate about things that I hate. We also did things in unison like bursting out laughing as a girl ordered ‘ an indian tea’ in a café in Tuffnell park. An indian fuckin tea?/!!

I will miss him. He believed in me. Or believed he would somehow end up in-between my thighs if he ‘believed’ in me. Either way. He believed in me. I will miss Bernard.

And so life goes on. People come and go don’t they?! I hate that. I really do. Maybe its more so in London town. Or just more so with the opposite sex?  I want people to stay forever…….

apart from my family. They can leave.

My mum was asking how my stand up had been going the other day. I said ‘ yeah really good’

she sounded surprised.

‘is it very cutting edge?’ she says in a voice that I swear is getting slower and more religious/judgmental as the months go by

‘errrrrrrr I dunno, not really mum’ I said


‘Its sort of a puppet show’ I said

she comes straight in with …

‘ is it characterisation?’

That doesn’t make any sense. Does it?! ‘Characterisation…. Of who?! and she didn’t go on to ask . Im still trying to work it out.

‘eeerrrrr …..yeah. ‘ I said

and that was that.

It was easier than going into what the ‘puppet show’ was actually about, which is about ……masturbating in bed whilst your ex boyfriend reads reviews on new blackberry phone models on his laptop next to you, blow jobs with strange cocaine addicted Scottish actors, ‘fuck lists’

This puppet show is called  ‘ And the cunt left me’ i’m not sure she is really to see this yet. But it’s my uncle’s 60th this weekend and i’ve said i would do my 5 mins as the entertainment. I wish i could invite Bernard for moral support.

I will miss him. He could have been my new parent. But then who wants to fuck their parent. That was the problem … I only ever wanted to cuddle him. for hours.

and so the search continues….. but ‘its about the journey and not the destination‘ right?!!

lets all be sick in that persons face

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